Collaboration 4: Forgive
Question:
What breaks you out of your patterns of dislike?
Write your Answer – click here
Transcript of Video:
I have had to learn, and it has actually got – has become easier because I’ve had so many opportunities to practice it and maybe that’s part of the grace, I’ve had to learn to say I’m sorry. And I’ve had to learn to ask people for forgiveness. I can spend so much time in my head demonizing them, which of course is a justification to myself for why I can be nasty to them, or why I’m in conflict with them, or why they push my buttons. That’s my justification, this, “So, well, of course I feel this way about you because you’re like this, you’re like this, you’re like this.” So that is – that kind of thought pattern is something we have to reject. Something we have to catch ourselves in and that we have to stop. We cannot revel in that kind of thinking. So Augustine said, “Thinking can be sinful,” and that’s – I think that that’s what he was talking about much more than people have equated it with sexual desire, because that’s where we always seem to go. But I think that was actually what Augustine was talking about. Our ability to demonize, to mentally demonize others, to justify our own feelings about them. And how do we stop that, we stop that kind of thinking. We catch ourselves in that kind of thinking and we say, “No, I can’t go there. I can’t do that. I have to do something else,” whatever that might be. But I think that there’s a very sound spiritual practice for us.
– Br. Robert L’Esperance
When I catch myself mentally demonizing another, the first thing I do is pray for them. The second thing I do is try to get to know them on a more personal level. I try to remember that “sometimes those who are hardest to love, need love the most.”
What breaks me out of my pattern of dislike? It happened when I came to realize that acceptance must happen first before forgiveness. Anyone I should start to take exception with has taken their whole life to get to be how and where they are at that moment of time when I take exception. Can I effect an immediate change at that moment what it is about the person that bothers me? No. I must accept them for who and how that are right then and there and forgive. But, can I then maybe start the beginnings of a change in that person if they so desire? Ah, yes maybe I can. How ever, maybe it’s me that needs to be accepted and forgiven and started on a change! God’s Grace can work both ways……..
The focus of this topic and the sharing was very helpful for me today and going forward. Thinking can pull you in many directions. Emotions can overwhelm you when an action by another bothers you. Before reacting it does help to focus on love towards the person and the good person they are. Separating the action from the person.
I am able to break out if the pattern of dislike when I am able to stop and become enough aware of myself to remember that we are all in this together. And all of us want the same things. To be happy and avoid suffering(the dahli lama )
To break out of the patterns of dislike, I need to do exactly what Br. Robert says and that is to stop the train of thought and justification of dislike and turn the dislike into a positive expression of love by now finding and concentrating on the likeable or good things that the person does or the good aspects of the situation. We are quick to demand change in others so that they are “right”, like us, when we should demand change or a different reaction in ourselves which equates, of course, to forgiveness of ourselves and of others. We should always strive to be the one who offers the apology first so that the loving forgiveness of the Lord is our primary motivation in any situation where we are wronged or where we dislike.
I’m returning from an on-line absence, but not from this Lenten activity. So, after thinking about today’s question I came to realize that loving is a decision ; ergo un-loving is also a decision. Forgiveness benefits the giver who realizes their present condition or even a thorn carried in ones side for a while that needed to be removed in order to heal. The decision to forgive is the gift offered to the other and needs be be freely given for the process to work. It remains a decision for the other to accept but in either case the giver is healing and when the other is accepting, the healing is taking place too.
So many good things have been said and I agree with them. Another one that I can grasp (at times) is “He who is without sin cast the first stone”. Even if I have not transgressed against the person at whom I am angry (first judging them to be wrong) I have certainly transgressed against someone else at some point in time. Is this person more wrong than I was? Of course the answer is NO. Forgiveness of others seems tied to forgiveness of myself. We all fall short of the glory of God, and forgiveness of myself and others is something that I must do over and over – 70 X 7. The God of my understanding allows copious opportunities in my life to practice this….progress, not perfection 🙂
I think I’m guilty of this as well, when I catch myself at it I will try to see the conflict or what ever it is, from the other’s point of view and that gives me a chance to forgive or at least let go and move on. Walking a mile in another’s moccasins is what Native American culture teaches us and that is what I try to do.
Prayer! Praying for God to help me understand those I dislike always brings with it a fresh revelation of the person and usually reveals a vulnerability which leads to compassion.
I try to catch myself in those thoughts as they happen, but of course I don’t always. This sin is in my confession almost every week (I’m Episcopalian, so we kneel and confess as part of the service weekly). It’s so easy to do, especially in this “me” oriented society that wants to put down anyone or anything that doesn’t suit “my” purposes. I try to reflect and get down to the base of why someone is acting negatively in my sight. Sometimes there are reasons, and I can pray for them. Other times, people will be people and there doesn’t seem to be a reason. That’s when I need to be most prayerful.
I agree with Br. Robert. We have to stop the negative thoughts. Say no to them and shift our thinking. Being able to open up and say “I’m sorry” is a strength not a weakness. This was difficult for me to learn but now it’s not so difficult because it is so freeing and helps the other person too. Saying I’m sorry opens the door to communication and helps the other person to know that I accept responsibility for my part. I find it often strengthens the bonds of a relationship.
Sometimes all I can do is want to want to forgive. I am not playing with words here.
Thank you br. Robert, that has really given me something to think about and do.
Jesus helps me. I have learned to focus on the cross, and say “Forgive them, they know not what they do” I have also said ” Lord, forgive me , I’m sorry.”
I have a very long fuse but when I am at the end of it, I am at the end of it. It is not necessarily a trait I am proud of but it tells me that I tolerate a lot by simply wanting to make things work without sometime doing the hard work of speaking the truth in love, or just simply speaking my truth. When I think of those I demonize it typically is rooted in my deep fear that they can do me harm and I will have no recourse once their damage has been done….Unfortunately in parish life this is always true and harm is done…there is always someone who dislikes you no matter how hard you try. I find prayer, empathy, and remembering Benedicts call to see everyone as “Christ” ever so helpful in forming a hedge, or shield of protection around me enabling me to move forward into God’s hope for us all. As a priest trying to love my flock I think of this person as one of the ninety nine who got away or when things are really bad and I am being attacked and ” terror is on every side” I see the altar between me and thee and that bridge helps….there is power in the bread and wine to change almost anything.
You hit on the key for me–feeling safe. It’s easier to drop what I call “the self-defense pretense” when I feel safe from attack. I’ve been in a safe place for a long, long time. I have little need for protective coping mechanisms. Many relationships would be better if I let my guard down more.
Awhile back I was in a workshop that helped me see and own that “we are all jerks” just doing the best we can. I know such language is not consistent with the tone of these lessons, but it has served as a great help in making me aware of the demonizing concept and shifting me out of that thinking.
Thank you for this reflection. I find that demonizing and idolizing others is equally harmful to relationship. Either way, it seems like a form of trespass. But to stop…that seems to require grace and nothing less. I know I must participate with grace, but it is so hard!
I try to remember my baptismal vows. Especially treating everyone with dignity and respect.
Praying for the person, and cultivating feelings of love help me to break patterns of dislike.
When I was cringing about having to deal with a person who was behaving like a bully, someone who knew him better than I did took me aside and quietly told me, “You need to be aware he isn’t coming from a position of strength.” That comment removed some of my fear and the anger fear creates. It became possible to see the man as another scared, hurt person, trying to figure out how to deal with whatever was going wrong in his own life. I still flinched inside when I saw him heading my way, but I started to pray for him and his family. That’s become a way to try to cope with others who have hurt me or seem to dislike me. It helps cut the scope of their actions down to human size for me.
I find that learning to forgive myself is the first step to learning to forgive others.
I have had a years-long struggle to forgive a particular person and one thing that has helped enormously is this: while on a retreat, I was seeking God about this situation and Jesus said, “Put it on My tab.” Well, I resisted a bit because shouldn’t this guy have to pay for his transgression himself, wouldn’t that be fair and just etc etc? Of course that’s not how it works in God’s economy. Jesus made Himself available to pick up all our tabs. I can trust Him to deal with the one who sinned against me; it’s not my job to figure that one out. Jesus is offering to pay, to redeem, to make it up to me as only He can.
Thank you for this. I’ve been trying to come to terms with deliberate harm and lasting damages done by someone who died without acknowledging it or asking for forgiveness. I haven’t been able to forgive yet. Reading what you’ve said, maybe it’s time to stop trying so hard to force myself, and instead try harder to trust God to ultimately bring each of us to understanding and healing in His love.
Pray to God to grant you the Will to forgive this person. See my earlier message. It works. Christina
Thank you, Christina. I did, and do, love the person, which multiplies the pain. I honestly want to forgive. I’ll pray for God’s help to do that.
Did someone you dislike ever ask you to pray with them? Whenever this has happened to me, I have found that after praying with them I was unable to dislike them –in fact, I found that now I loved them (sometimes a little confusing if I still had every “reason” to dislike them.)
Even though I still dislike a dismal case of horrendous injustice, I will just have to move on so that I am not poisoned by it. I will Let Go and Let God. For I have experience with patience and proof that eventually the perp will get it back somehow, sometime.
Peace.
I think we often demonize others to make ourselves feel better. I know I am guilty of this and as I write this I can think of one or two individuals who I still feel this way about. That is something I need to get past. One practice I have is to accept others at “face value”. Who they say they are and what they say they will do is accepted by me even though I know people are not always as they appear. However, if we can approach people by viewing the “best” in them life is much better and I think more what God wants us to do.
A pattern of dislike takes a lot of prayer to change. I have had “friends” that have proven to not be such good friends. I really have disliked two and couldn’t get over “it.” I prayed a long time about it. Every time I began to obsess about the incident that brought about this dislike, I would pray instead of playing the video in my mind. I began to pray the prayer that the man in the bible prayed when he said, “please Jesus, change my unbelief.” I prayed, “Jesus, take away the anger and hurt and replace it with love.” That helped. Then I migrated to a better place by remembering times when Jesus has forgiven me for habitual sins that I fell to correct. What if he did what I was doing to my two “friends” ? I would be lost. I know that one of these friends has very few contacts with anyone. I just couldn’t imagine not having a friend. Jesus was merciful and helped me to go beyond myself and what I want. For a change, he challenged me to think of their needs and forgive their unkindness.
A woman who is pastor of a church that is wholly within the walls of a women’s prison told me that, when she is confronted with someone who makes her angry (and she must have lots of opportunities!), she always tries to ask herself, “What do you suppose happened to her in her background that makes her behave like this?” This is also working for me — just trying to see the other person as someone who is also hurt and vulnerable helps me to be more accepting.
When I breakout of the mode of trying to “fix it”, the pattern of dislike is broken for me. Then the prospect of acting out of pure joy has room to enter.
Love this. Just a great suggestion for me. ljk
Brother Robert seems to be reading our minds today – or maybe inner termoil is a practice endemic in our age. Thanks to the Brothers, I am learning to turn my inner anger to forgiveness and praryer. I am also recognizing my part in the story, which makes it hard to hold onto that anger.
Mary Ann
Prayer and remembering that we are ALL created in God’s image and are loved equally by God.
In my girlhood and as a woman, I’ve gotten a lot of
messages that good girls and good women don’t get
mad or challenge the status quo. So I’m learning to dare to claim all my real feelings as gift and then to seek appropriate ways to respond. So for me, when I’ve been offended, the first step toward healing is often to dare to really feel and work through the hurt, anger and sorrow in the light of God’s love.
When I feel offended by myself or others I believe Jesus Christ helps me tenderly and sometimes mightily, to forgive.
remembering how often my intentions, or feelings, have been misperceived from my presentation, helps me to beware of drawing conclusions about others;
and
recalling that we are each God’s creation, embed with God’s purpose, and how often the grace in my life looked at first like difficulty or ugliness.
These have helped me break free sometimes.
We learn and grow in so many incomprehensible and surprising ways; our patterns of dislike serve only to keep us from some of them. They arise from self protection, I think, and as such represent a failure of trust in our Lord. And how very difficult they are to break free of.
When I encounter a thing or person that I judge harshly, I also try to remember to get a little bit closer to notice what at first I did not see.
This is so true. Thanks!
Demonizing is so exhausting. In the past, God has always nagged at me with either a justification for the offending person’s behavior (i.e, “of course that person is being nasty, his mother is gravely ill and you are sticking her with needles”, or with thoughts of the offending person’s good qualities. I have also tried to ingrain in my behavior a habit of praying for people who offend me. Wow, is it hard to get those words out sometimes, and so often I forget.
God has been so merciful towards me! I pray that I can show a small fraction of that mercy to others -and to myself- for I can also marinate in demonizing myself for past sins.
When I was still working, I realized I could not hold a grudge to another co-worker and still maintain a working relationship. This has influenced me in all the relationships in my life. I have learned to let go of the anger. Sometimes it is not a matter of forgiveness but of accepting the other person.
Demonizing others allows me to ignore my role in the situation. Holding onto that hurt or slight or whatever lets me off the hook. Some wise soul told me that when I point my finger at someone 4 are pointing back at me. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than resentment and it does not affect the person it is directed towards one little bit, but it can certainly make me really sick. My task is to pray for that person, to ask God to give him/her everything wonderful in life, and in a very short time the anger is gone and the gnawing demon is tamed because I am no longer letting him/her live rent free in my head.
I totally agree. When I demonize another, I avoid looking at my part in the situation, and I also get a feeling of superiority. My solution is to see that person as a sick spirit and to ask what I can do to help.
Being given the opportunity for empathy really helps me.
I agree! Empathizing is my best route out of such thinking. I try to remember that we are all doing the best we can at the moment with what we know and with how we feel. The idea of walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. Thinking of them as a child of God.
this one got directly to me ! The greatest fault I find in myself. Worse yet, I seem to harbor and protect and preserve these nasty feelings toward a handful of acquaintances. Thanks, Brother Robert, for hitting the mark! It’s going to be a huge help in my spiritual life ! Best message yet, in my book!!
So many thoughts today on this question…I come from a long line of women who hold grudges and it is ironic that this question comes on what would have been my mom’s 86th birthday. I am not sure that I can break out of my patterns of dislike but I can say to myself, perhaps I am over thinking this or putting to much emphasis on the situation that led me to this dislike. Remembering that the person who I dislike is human also helps and remembering that I am sure there are people who sometimes feel this way about me too.
Many years ago, we had friends whose son always seemed to be in trouble. One day, when he was out of the country, his father was picked up by the police and was temporarily in prison until it was cleared up that he had nothing to do with his son’s drug trafficking. When the son returned across the border, he was picked up, sentenced and imprisoned.
He served his time and afterwards has gone straight ever since.
My problem was in forgiving him for what his actions did to his parents. Eventually, I was saying in my mind, that I was forgiving him, but I knew deep-down that I wasn’t forgiving him at all.
I was in an Alpha group, and we were talking about forgiveness and I related the above and the fact that, while I was saying that I forgave this man, I wasn’t really. A young woman in the group said to me, “Perhaps you need to pray to God to grant you the will to be forgiving.”
I did and discovered over a very short time that my prayer was answered. (Who was I to withhold forgiveness?)
Since then, I have discovered that praying to God to grant me the will to deal with other situations, always brings an answer. I just could not do it alone.
What breaks me out of my patterns of dislike? Well, there are people who have hurt me and I do have feelings of dislike towards them. It gets to be a problem when I am so energized by the feeling that I can’t let it go and it gets worse and worse. So before I do something or say something I will regret later, what I usually do is, like Br. Robert, just say to myself :Stop. Then I think perhaps they feel as hurt by something I have done to them as I am feeling by their actions towards me. Then I think that even if I feel this is unjustified, they do have a right to their feelings. By this time, I need to involve God in all of this and I try to connect in prayer and feel God’s love and acceptance of me despite my flaws. Then I try to do something more cheerful and think happier thoughts!
Brother Robert, your humility and humanity touch me deeply. That’s me, playing the broken record demonizing whomever has irritated me. I appreciate the reminder to replace the irritation with compassion and forgiveness.
Thanks, Kew, for the words: all broken, all striving. Maybe place them on my steering wheel…..
When deeply hurt, my first move is anger, justification, and demonizing as you well described. Then more slowly I come to realize how needful I am for tender care. I feel stronger (and more justified) in my anger. To stay in the more vulnerable posture comes less naturally to me, yet I know bears more fruit. I pray for the grace to receive and share the care God desires.
well said. perhaps the best Word so far.
The fastest thing that breaks me out of the practice of demonizing a person is when I recognize that I am doing it, I offer amends to God and begin to pray for that person, and I pray for God’s very best blessing on that person… there is enough of God’s love to go around… I behave that way, putting other people down, in the first place because of fear… at least on some level… Thanks brother Robert!
To directly answer the question given; I replace the sinful thought with another. To build on Christine’s and Jim’s comments, I can pray for God to bless that beloved child of his. If I know that person’s broken places, I can pray for healing for that person. I can give thanks that I was spared those broken places. I can enumerate the fine qualities the person does have and hope to nuture similar fine places in myself. If I am too frustrated to respond with loving thoughts, I can just pray for help to let it go; mentally change the subject.
Recognizing that they are patterns in ME, not just out there in the world (ie “everyone stinks!”) helps. I am also helped by having a mantra to cut across the garbage in my mind, whether it’s the shriek of outrage at bad driving behavior, or the acid corrosion of bodily comparison: “All broken, all striving” is one I have used….and have lately forgotten to use, to my detriment.
First thing every morning my husband and I have followed this series. We have had deep discussions and learned a lot about ourselves and each other. Several times I have felt urged to comment and not done so. But this particular one is so compelling. Demonizing other people who I feel have wronged me is a pattern of behaviour that is so usual for me…and so ugly. I vow to try with the help of God and the encouragement of my husband to just stop. As Br Robert suggests, don’t go there. If in the past my determination was to go there, I think I can turn it around and NOT go there. Thank you, all the brothers, for doing this series.
Wow! That is me. I do it often to the one’s I love. Looking bac over the last couple of day, I have been doing this. It has to stop now and in the future. I have to say I am sorry to those I have been Demonizing and ask for Forgiveness from those I have hurt.
To project myself to positive and welcome activities that I always look forward to.
Smalll wrongs are relatively easy to forgive but when I have been deeply hurt, I allow myself the time to practice “taking my thoughts captive” every time I catch myself ruminating on the wrong that was done to me. I must remind myself that the truth is that I am no better than that person with whom I am angry and I thank God for the opportunity to practice what he did for us through Christ for me. It has taken time for me to forgive some of the deeper hurts but it is required of me as a lover of God and it is in my best interest.
yes
I have found myself in a place to be so negative that it almost destroyed my career. Now when faced with negativity I try to use the saying Q-tip. It reminds me to “quit taking it personally ” so I can let the negativity go. Now I get to do the work I love and leave the negativity behind.
What a great thought. I will take Q-tips with me. C
I practice loving the person or persons that offend me but I also practice staying out of their lives. I feel if I am not in their lives that all I can feel for them is love because I’m not being subject to all the nastiness in this world. They are always welcome in my world if they choose and I will open the door with loving arms. For now to stop having my buttons pushed, I stay away and pray whenever I think of them. I pray with love and some sadness but mostly love as the time goes on.
Margie,
This has been my practice as well. I always think of St. Paul’s advice to “avoid those who cause divisions…” There are some folks that I just have to love from a distance and forgive, realizing the only relationship I can have with them is a spiritual one.
Blessings to you on your path, Marianne
These brothers keep reading my mind and heart! I am trying to learn to remember that (a) we are all flawed people and occasionally do things we shouldn’t and (b) we are all beloved children of God. It’s harder to do this with people who “seem” determined to make life more difficult but focusing on (b) repeatedly can help deter the flow of negativity from becoming a flood.
A change of scenery or atmosphere helps me most of all. That gives me better perspective. Athletics of any kind causes me to focus my thoughts elsewhere. Without these two things, It would’ve so difficult for me to shake these negative thoughts.
Wonderful meaningful thoughts Brother Robert
The realization that God loves the other as much as God loves me! Also I remind myself that there are burdens we all carry but other’s are often not apparent .
Sometimes, if I can try to understand what caused a person to do something, or behave in a way, that makes me dislike them, I find it easier to forgive them and move on.
Yes, I think this is essentially my experience. And understanding includes my seeing them as a victim, as having been deeply wounded also. From there I can move to a place of compassion, and forgiveness is not far behind. But anger is an emotion I find quite unacceptable in myself, and even before I can move through this dynamic of forgiveness, I first have to admit that I’m angry. That’s something I’m very good at denying. In situations that are particularly difficult, all I can do sometimes is to ask God to help me want to forgive. I don’t beat myself up and demand that I forgive immediately (so the sun does “not go down on my anger”) because I believe that God looks at the intention of my heart and is merciful. Anger and unforgiveness has too many ugly repercussions even for me to want to remain too long in that state.
Well, I sat here gently, put this video on slightly aggrieved that I had to listen to another.
Br Robert went straight to the heart of my problem today. Instead of being cross at action and inaction, I have demonised without justification, and am cross at the person.
Thank you.